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EP8: Finding Confidence Outside Your Comfort Zone

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In episode 8 of the Best Life (Coach) Podcast, we’re talking about taking time to recharge and also taking time to connect with others, even when that means pushing yourself outside your comfort zone and finding confidence to do just that.

Topics include acupuncture, having a social life as a 30-something adult, and acting classes.

This was a fun episode to record, we hope you enjoy it!

Be sure to subscribe and tune in to new episodes on the 1st Thursday of every month!

Video:

EP: 8 FiNDING CONFIDENCE OUtSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE | Pin Image!

 

Transcript:

Best Life Coach Collective 0:00
Intro (music by DJ Aly Abji)

Stephanie Nelb 0:00 

Alright, well, how’s everyone doing? 

Melissa Byone 0:04 

Pretty good. I hear it’s hot where you are, Sarah? 

Sarah Mae 0:08 

Yes, it is hot. It I mean, it’s really not as hot compared to Hawaii but it’s hot for here. It is 31 degrees 

Stephanie Nelb 0:22 

Celsius. Just put that caveat in there. 

Sarah Mae 0:28 

Yeah. And it’s not 31 Celsius, like in the room I think, because I’m closer to the AC but even then it’s still not doing much but my husband’s like studio, apparently. The thermometer in there is saying it’s 95 degrees Fahrenheit in his studio, and I went in there. I was like, oh my god, I can’t be in here. How are you working? 

Melissa Byone 0:50 

Oh my god. 

Stephanie Nelb 0:51 

Oh that’s rough 

Melissa Byone 0:55 

It’s only like 85 here. So… 

Stephanie Nelb 0:58 

You need one of your cold showers today to cool you off. 

Sarah Mae 1:07 

Yeah. 

Stephanie Nelb 1:12 

How about you, Melissa? How are you doing? 

Melissa Byone 1:15 

I’m good. Actually something pretty cool happened. Or I did yesterday. I got acupuncture. Have you guys tried this before? 

Stephanie Nelb 1:27 

Nice! Yeah 

Sarah Mae 1:29 

I don’t like needles. 

Stephanie Nelb 1:32 

I’ve tried it. I was never a huge fan of like getting shots as a kid because I didn’t really like needles either. But somehow overcame that fear and tried acupuncture and realized it’s entirely different. 

Melissa Byone 1:45 

Yeah. Yeah. It’s kind of like a mosquito bite at the worst. Yeah. I too, hate needles. I hate giving blood. I have a panic attack. But I do it anyways. Because it’s, you know, good to help other people. But yeah, I did acupuncture the other day because long story short, my favorite masseuse retired. So I was like, I need to like another way to get relief from sitting at my desk all day. Like I have a lot of shoulder pain and back pain, which then manifests in my jaw. So I like signed up to have acupuncture done and I went yesterday. 

And like afterwards, it’s kind of like, feeling a little like, kind of like, lightheaded in a way. But not like in a medical sense. Kind of like, I kind of felt like it was floating. I don’t know kind of weird. Just kind of just to be in a different state of mind. And then today, Camden was asking me like, hey, how do you feel today? And I was like, wow, like, and like my jaw? Oh my gosh, like, it feels totally normal! 

Sarah Mae 3:02 

That’s awesome! 

Melissa Byone 3:03 

Like, kind of do get acupuncture. Nice. There’s a reason it’s been around for like, 1000s of years. Right? 

Stephanie Nelb 3:11 

Yeah. You’ll get addicted if you’re not careful. Yeah. Yeah, I haven’t gone recently, unfortunately. But I have been going for probably, oh, must be like five years at this point. And I totally see benefit in it. I’ve gone to them with like tennis or like tennis elbow, like elbow pain. And they, you know, stuck a couple points in there. And I walked – I was in so much pain prior. And I walked out of that feeling completely better. And then it didn’t come back after that. So I definitely see value in it. 

Melissa Byone 3:55 

Yeah. Yeah. Cool. 

Stephanie Nelb 3:59 

You know what’s weird too, I don’t know if you experienced this at all, but there’s one pressure point that they’ll do like in my ear for stress. And every single time they put the needle in that spot, I like immediately feel a flow change within my body. And I know that sounds so silly and kind of ‘woo woo’ to say but if you haven’t tried acupuncture go try it and then tell me how you feel. 

Melissa Byone 4:28 

Totally like that’s what it is like this like the energy or something just starts flowing and you can just feel it moving. It’s really strange you have to really kind of be in tune for that, like to be able to kind of know that that sensation is happening. 

Stephanie Nelb 4:47 

Yeah it’s true. It’s all that body meant practice we have with our coaching. 

Melissa Byone 4:59 

Well, what do we feel like talking about today? 

Stephanie Nelb 5:06 

Well, I had, I was thinking a little bit before this call, you know, ‘how have I been living my best life this past week?’. And I couldn’t really come up with anything, because I’ve had just kind of a dull, boring, like, you know, mundane kind of week. And as a result of that just haven’t really had the energy to do anything and be productive, you know, when I’m done working for the day. 

And it kind of had me thinking, you know, that is how I’m living my best life is I’m allowing myself that space to just do nothing. And just accept that, you know, I just don’t have the energy to do a whole lot this week. And instead of being hard on myself for not doing anything productive, I’m just kind of gonna sit in it and let it be until this feeling passes. And I mean, I guess that’s part of it is I know, it will pass and that I will kick my butt into doing things again. 

But for right now, as I’m feeling this way, I’m just kind of acknowledging that it’s here and just letting it be. And as someone who is always doing things. For me, that’s a really big win. 

Sarah Mae 6:21 

I love that, Stephanie. And that reminds me of something that I’ve been doing this week, I write a note to myself at the end of the day in a Roam Research tool that I use, and then I send it to like tomorrow so in the morning, it’s up on my computer. And the note from yesterday is like the first thing that I see on my computer. 

And lately, I’ve been like, I’ve noticed that I’ve written two or three times like what the best parts of my day were, because I’ve been really busy. And the best parts of my day were like, making time to take Lokei for a walk, or enjoying the fireworks that we have in Vancouver last night on the patio. Or like having a phone call with one of my best friends. And I was like it was never like, ‘Oh, I got all this work done.’ And it was like these things took time to do that. 

At the time I was like, oh, like, feeling bad that I was like, not getting work done. And I was going to do these things instead. But just reminding myself that, hey, those are the best parts of my day so do those things. 

Stephanie Nelb 7:34 

Yeah, totally. I feel like it’s so easy for us to just zoom through life and focus on getting from like, one goal to the next. And what are all the things that we need to get done in between. But you know, really taking the time to slow down and enjoy those simple moments is what life is all about. And that’s ultimately what a lot of us want more of in our life and why we’re starting to see a shift from this ‘go-go-go hustle’ culture to people now trying to find a little bit of that balance. So I love that you acknowledge that and were able to really find that in your day. 

Sarah Mae 8:08 

Yeah. One other way that I noticed that I was like, I guess like, some things that I was writing, like to remember that I enjoy is I like taking acting classes. And some of the classes that I do during the week are like, really uncomfortable. And going up to it. I’m like, I don’t feel like going like I I’ve run out of excuses to not attend. So I have to attend them all. And I’m like, ‘I really don’t want to go’. 

But always at the end of the like hour and a half. I’m always like, wow, that was so powerful. And time well spent and get to know myself and just reminding myself, ‘hey, when you feel like you don’t want to do these things, these are actually things that you need to be doing because you actually do enjoy them at the end of it’. 

Stephanie Nelb 8:59 

Yeah, I love that. 

Melissa Byone 9:00 

Yeah, that reminds me of the something I was reading. Like, if it doesn’t, if it doesn’t scare you or challenge you, it doesn’t change you. And then whenever there’s something that I’m kind of like, Oh, I really don’t want to do this, like meeting up with this girl I met on the internet tomorrow. Like it’s kind of scary sounding but I know I’m gonna really be happy that I do it in the end, because I’ll have a new friend. 

Stephanie Nelb 9:31 

Tell us more about this. I need to know more now. 

Melissa Byone 9:36 

Um, you know, one of my challenges is meeting new people. Since I work from home in a new kind of foreign land. It’s been a challenge me so, I don’t know I saw this friend of a friend shared on someone’s Instagram and I was like this girl seems cool. Um, so I started following her. And then she messaged me actually, she thought I was somebody else. And I was like, ‘No, I’m not that person, but it would be really super awesome to meet you’. So we like, chatted on Instagram, and we’re gonna meet up for lunch tomorrow. 

Stephanie Nelb 10:20 

Oh my god. Great! 

Melissa Byone 10:22 

Yeah, it’s pretty cool. We’re in like a similar industry and she lives nearby. So… 

Stephanie Nelb 10:28 

Oh, that’s so cool. 

Melissa Byone 10:29 

I’m getting like hot and sweaty, like thinking about it right now, like meeting somebody new. 

Sarah Mae 10:36 

Kudos to you for pushing yourself outside your comfort zone then. I guess that’s how you meet people, right? 

Melissa Byone 10:42 

Yeah. 

Stephanie Nelb 10:46 

Yeah, there are a couple things that come to mind for me. Going back a little bit to what Sarah was saying earlier that feels like it applies to your situation, Melissa, is to, you know, to just jump in and do it. Even if you don’t feel ready. Like, it’s always going to seem worse in your head than it actually is when you do it. 

And I don’t know, me being kind of an adventurous person, I always liken it to, you know, going like cliff jumping, or something, which I used to really enjoy when I was younger. And I would always like psyche myself out. And the longer I stood there and thought about it, the less likely I was to do it. 

But as soon as I just took the three seconds to say, ‘okay, you know what? I’m not going to think about it, I’m just going to do it 1-2-3 Go!’ and I jump, and then all of a sudden, it’s completely fine. And it was super fun. And you just wouldn’t know if you didn’t take that leap. And it just feels like with so many of these new situations where you push yourself outside your comfort zone, it’s exactly like that. 

Sarah Mae 11:47 

I think that’s a really good analogy reminds me of just like getting in really cold lake or anything or you know, some people like tip toe in and I can’t do that I’ll talk myself out of it. If I’m going in, I just go in. Same thing. 

Stephanie Nelb 12:06 

Yeah, I’ve definitely had that anxiety in social situations too, similar to what you’re going to, or how you’re feeling about the situation for tomorrow. And I have definitely had to just think in my head, okay, I could just sit here and not say this thing that I need to say maybe in a meeting, for example, or I could just go ahead and say it. And it’s just it’s funny. It’s like this little battle that happens inside my head, where part of me is just wanting to play it safe and not go outside of my comfort zone. And then this other part of me is just saying just do it. Just go ahead and do it. And I try so hard to let that part win out. And you know, get out what I need to say. And it’s never as bad as what I was thinking. 

Melissa Byone 12:57 

Yeah. True that! It never is. I mean, I find a lot that I hate when I end up in a situation. When I’m like, I wish I would have said something. So like, I try to remember those times. I wish I could just say what’s the worst? I don’t want to feel like I didn’t say what I wanted to say or do what I want to do. 

Stephanie Nelb 13:25 

Yeah. Well, I’m excited for you. I think tomorrow is going to be a lot of fun. This sounds like a promising new friend. And I think we need to update everyone on our next podcast. 

Melissa Byone 13:38 

Okay. Only if it goes well. You could coach me through my challenges. No, but it’s hard. I mean, it’s, it’s, I had this like, digital world like, and I guess it also has to play in like, the age that I’m at and this stage in life. Like it’s hard to meet people. So just gonna jumped in at this chance, I guess. 

Stephanie Nelb 14:10 

Yeah, absolutely. 

Sarah Mae 14:13 

Especially, like, I think in this like, semi post-COVID time where like, it must be a lot harder to meet people and it’s a time where everyone kind of pulled away from social situations. 

Stephanie Nelb 14:34 

Yeah. I mean, even before COVID though, I feel like after you get out of, you know, your early 20s or even I guess your 20s in general for many people. You know, that’s the age where going to the bars is the thing to do and that’s how you meet people and make connections and connect with the friends that you already have. And then when you grow out of that stage, it’s like ‘oh crap, what do I do now? How do I meet people?’ And everybody’s lives get busier and yeah, it just becomes a challenge. 

Melissa Byone 15:07 

Yeah, like if you’re not at a form of party or like party situation like and there’s not liquid courage egging you on to just say hi to somebody like, yeah, like what am I just like supposed to walk down the street and like be like, ‘Hey, you cool person. You want to like, get lunch?’ It’s freaking weird! 

Sarah Mae 15:34 

I wonder if people are going to start becoming more open to that. I feel like there’s a shift happening when it comes to like, partying, I don’t know, maybe it is just my age. But for example, I’m going to we’re calling it like a Union Party, but a bachelorette weekend this weekend. And it’s like, we’re not going to be partying, it’s we’re, there’s no, nobody’s like there’s not supposed to be drinking. Like it’s just getting together, like a sisterhood and honoring the bride and each other. 

And so it’s very different than like, any kind of weekend like that, that I would have been to in the past where it would have been all about partying as hard as you can and being wrecked by the end of the weekend. The goal of this weekend is to feel like uplifted and nourished by the end of it. So I’m really, I’m annoyed about getting ready for it in this heat. But I’m excited to be there. And it’s going to be air conditioned. And there will be a pool. 

Melissa Byone 16:44 

Yeah. That sounds really cool. So what are what are like the plans like, what do a bunch of sober people do together? 

Sarah Mae 16:54 

Yeah, so we’re planning there will be like an opening ceremony. Just to like, like, kind of create a safe space for everybody to feel welcome and part of like a, like a circle of sisters. And then we’ll just chill tonight. Tomorrow, we’re going to go and we’re all wearing like purple. And we’re going to go out in the forest and take photos. And then we’re going to hang out by the pool. And then on Sunday, we’re going to have like a rainbow taco party. So we’re all everyone’s wearing a different color. So we’ll be like the rainbow. And it’s Pride weekend in Vancouver. So we’re not going to be in Vancouver, we’re gonna be outside Vancouver, but it’s a way to, to bring that into it as well. 

But just getting together and enjoying each other and we’ll have a closing ceremony as well kind of like kinda like, I think about it, like in coaching where you like create the safe container and then close kind of closing at the end so that everyone can just be themselves and feel comfortable. And we’re kind of like we’re going to make food together and tell stories and set new goal that’s what I’m looking forward to. 

Melissa Byone 18:23 

That sounds like a really good time just especially if you’re with like, you know, people you know and love and –

Sarah Mae 18:28 

Yeah I actually I have a couple of like really close friends in the group but there’s like you don’t know very well. So I think that I’m excited for developing those relationships getting to know people and the fact that I know that it will be like a safe space created. And I’m excited that it’s gonna be like all female identifying people because it’s like, I always found it difficult to create those relationships. And I’m noticing more and more how important they are. 

Stephanie Nelb 19:06 

Yeah, well it sounds like it’s gonna be really fun weekend. I am excited to hear more about how it goes. What a great way to meet people too or just you know connect with people that you don’t know as well. Love that. 

Sarah Mae 19:22 

Yeah and there’s no pressure because everyone’s there like the same thing. 

Melissa Byone 19:33 

What color are you going to be? 

Sarah Mae 19:34 

I’m green. Like I at first I was like I don’t own anything green. Which is weird because I kind of – my husband was like, ‘you don’t wear anything green?’ Because seems like feel like that’s like a color that goes with like my life. Like I bought plants and stuff but I just haven’t really worn green and I’ve been blonde most most of the last 10 years so I think it matches my hair better now. So I bought a couple of green dresses. I was like actually really like these. So I was going to return one because I bought them online and have time to go to a store. And he told me keep both of them because he likes both. 

Stephanie Nelb 20:19 

Yeah, I want to see a picture of all of you dressed up as the rainbow. Yeah, super cool. 

Melissa Byone 20:24 

Share it on our Instagram. 

Sarah Mae 20:29 

Let’s see if I have permission. 

Stephanie Nelb 20:30 

Okay, fair enough. Yeah, I found another way to make friends as you get older – that, at least for me has worked out really well is finding commonality in activities or interests. And so of course, for me, this is action sports related. But you know, it could be anything like knitting, for example. And if you have interest in knitting, then I’m sure you could find a group out there that would be interested in, you know, meeting up and knitting together and telling stories or something. I don’t know. I’m sure there’s a group like that out there. 

But I just feel like, as you get older, and you, you’re trying to meet people, it’s kind of a cool way to discover yourself more, as you, you know, find people that are really going to have these, this common ground with you. 

Melissa Byone 21:28 

Yeah, I’ve been trying to like, build up my yoga community. I’ve always, like, loved yoga. So there’s a studio nearby that I started to go to and it’s like, totally my vibe. Like, it’s an outdoor yoga studio, which is really cool. And it’s all surrounded by plants and have like, lots of cool crystals for sale and like, cool lounge clothes. Love it. It’s my vibe. 

Stephanie Nelb 22:04 

I feel like when we eventually do a trip to Hawaii, we need to go there together. That sounds super fun. 

Sarah Mae 22:11 

Yes, I agree. 

Melissa Byone 22:14 

It’s on the list. 

Sarah Mae 22:15 

I also find that it’s easier to meet people as I get older and just more confident. I feel being – I’m gonna be 40 next year. And I feel like it’s like not a, like I’ve heard people say it before, but it’s like, at this point in my life, I care less and less about what other people think and have more confidence in who I am. And kind of like you either like me or you don’t. And if you don’t, that’s fine. Hopefully you find people you do like kind of thing. And it took me a long time to get there. But now it’s like, I don’t know. It’s easier to like, have a conversation with someone I don’t know. And I don’t care so much whether or not they like me. 

Stephanie Nelb 23:17 

Yeah, I could totally see that. We need more of your wisdom. We need it to soak into us. 

Sarah Mae 23:28 

A lot of that stuff. I got you to through acting. 

Stephanie Nelb 23:32 

I could see that. 

Sarah Mae 23:34 

My coach does online classes. I highly recommend it. Actorium, little shout out. 

Stephanie Nelb 23:42 

Yeah. I thought about that or stand up comedy. What feels like a long time ago now. But I wanted to work on my public speaking and I heard that that was kind of a good way to do it. And I ended up doing Toastmasters instead. But I kind of liked the idea of doing something fun like that, where it’s also an opportunity to meet new people and just learn a new skill set. 

Sarah Mae 24:12 

That’s funny because I was actually teaching with like three other teachers grade eight and nine. We were always teaching our students combined. So there’d be like 180 students at once. And I wanted to get better at like getting up every day and speaking to 180 students. So I was I did Toastmasters when I was a kid like not the whole Toastmasters program, but a version of it for a 10-11 year olds. So I was familiar with the program. And I was like, well, maybe I’ll do Toastmasters. 

But I was doing some research and that’s when I came across this studio Actorium. And she was talking about how she had this course, Acting for the Supernaturally Shy and it said like it would help you with public speaking and stuff. And I took it and because it was like well, I always was interested in Acting, let’s see what this will do. So a little bit more fun. And the first couple classes, but they’re stupid. I was like it was like activities and I didn’t really get much out of them. 

And then I was doing this one exercise and on like the third day, I think and we’re just sitting on in two chairs across from a partner’s chair on a stage and everyone else in the class is watching. We do this like Meisner repetition. So I would be like, Melissa, you blinked and then she’d be like, I believe you’ve blinked and just go back and forth. And the person that I was, my coach told the person that I was doing it with is like, say you have a wall. So she said to me, you have a wall. And so I was I had to repeat, like, I have a wall. And it was the weirdest thing. At first, I was like, I’m gonna have a wall. But I didn’t say that I just have to say, so I’m like, I have a wall. I have a wall. And eventually, we do have a wall. And then like, it was like, like, like this wall, like, fell down. And I just started to cry. And I felt like this, like, this weird, like, wall that I had my whole life that I don’t even know what what it was, or why had it. I’ve got more of an idea now. But at the time, I was just like, oh my gosh, I’m crying. It was like, life changing. 

It was, it was the best thing ever, not for acting like not because I’m gonna go be an actor, but for the personal development and emotional intelligence. And yeah, I realized that that wall they walked around with was a lot of times in social situations, but I would hide behind, but I always didn’t like it. I always like would be in a social social situation. And it’d be like, ick I don’t like the person that this is standing here. Why? What’s this? And then once I like realized, like, get rid of that. And now if it feels like coming back, just breathe through it. That’s it’s like a tiny bit feel like it became a totally different person. I like myself more. 

Melissa Byone 26:51 

Wow. 

Stephanie Nelb 26:52 

Wow. That’s amazing. 

Sarah Mae 26:58 

There’s a cool story from me when I didn’t think I was going to talk much today. 

Stephanie Nelb 27:03 

No, it’s great, I’m glad you shared that with us. I think it’s really something too about like, taking that – how’d you describe it? like taking that moment? To pause? Like to just breathe for a minute? 

Sarah Mae 27:16 

Yeah, yeah, that is hard. So I learned that you have to be present to act, and you have to be present to be a life coach. And it was like, when I was doing a coaching certification, I was doing acting courses at the same time. And they kind of like collided and what they are teaching. When we were learning about like being really present in phone calls and stuff. I was like, oh, it’s the same thing. Like, you want to be like, down, down, down, grounded in your seats, like you want to be down here. You don’t want to be up here. And I just it was so cool the way they were they came together like that. I was like, ‘Wow, there’s so many things that overlap’. 

And I was doing another crazy acting activity. But it was silly because it was like during the pandemic, so I’m doing it, like I’m just filming it. There wasn’t even anybody there. I was filming it on my phone. And we had to like, say, sing a lullaby. And on each of the like vowel, each of the new syllables, we had to do like a crazy action. So it was like, bah, bah, like stupid. But I, I was like, so freaked out about it. And it’s just me, but I did like two and then I couldn’t think of a pose to do for the next one. So I was just standing there. And I was like, I feel stupid. I just started to cry. And I was like, Why do I feel so stupid, I’m freezing. And I’ve always done that. Like, anytime I’m in a feel like I’m put on the spot or something I freeze, my my mind will go blank. And it was in that moment that somehow everything like made sense in my head. 

And I was like, ‘I’m having stress response. I am freezing because I’m so stressed out right now because I feel so put on the spot’. So I breathe into it and kind of calm my stress response a little bit, then go away. And then I equated that to coaching as well where I was like, if you’re worried that you’re not going to have a question or something to say, getting up in your head. Breathe because you breathe and calm that stress response, you’re always going to have something it’s going to come just starting to – when you don’t have anything, it’s a stress response. I learned those things from that too. 

Stephanie Nelb 29:31 

It sounds like a transformative course that you took. 

Sarah Mae 29:38 

All of it is. I highly – I can’t recommend acting enough – and not to be an actor. I always tell people it’s not about acting. It’s about the activities that you do to learn by yourself. 

Stephanie Nelb 29:47 

Hmm, that’s really cool. 

Sarah Mae 29:50 

I’ve never been in a play or on TV or nothing I’ve never performed any acting, I just do the exercises. 

Melissa Byone 29:57 

Yeah it’s like the best actors – you have to really know yourself so that you can become someone else. So yeah, that makes sense

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